Today's “dicho” or story, is an overview of the common challenges to co-parenting with a narcissist and some successful strategies for parallel parenting that can help protect you and your child(ren).
Narcissism is a pattern of complex behaviors that involve the demonstration of grandiose sense of self-importance, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Narcissists often seek to control and manipulate others in order to get their needs met. They may also exploit others for their own gain.
Co-parenting with a narcissist can be extremely difficult and often perpetuates contact and abuse, when neither of those things is productive for the parent trying to end an abuse cycle, cut off a trauma bond, and set a new example of healing and healthy boundaries for their child(ren).
Narcissists are often unable to put the needs of their children first, and may instead use their children as pawns in a game of control. They may also be emotionally abusive or neglectful of the child(ren) just to get back at the other parent. They are more concerned with their own needs and wants, and may not be willing to compromise or cooperate. The more points of contact (physical, emotional/communicative, financial) the more points for exploitation exist and the more difficult it can be to defend boundaries and keep the focus on the children’s best interests.
Image: [One Solid Loved One is Enough]. Retrieved from Wix Images.
A First Step: If you are parenting with a narcissist, it is important to protect yourself and your children. If you are a parent and an abuse victim, take the time to sort through what is going on with the abuse, and stand up boundaries to end the cycle, and model healthy relationships and boundaries for your child(ren). Recognizing the types of narcissistic abuse is a first step to validating your experiences, and taking action to make a change. Check out the Empowerment Chart I've created to distill the 5 Types of Narcissistic Abuse, Examples, & Coping Strategies in a tactical resource for parents. Check out The Guide to protect your family, understand narcissistic abuse & its impact on you or your child(ren) emotionally, physically, financially and legally.
Parallel Parenting Helps! The good news is there is a form of parenting that can help. Parallel parenting is a form of co-parenting that enlists very low contact, where the parents avoid direct communication and interaction as much as possible. They communicate only about matters related to the children, and they often do so through a third party, such as a parenting app or a co-parenting counselor. Each parent rears your child separately and does not share information or coordinate parenting decisions, unless related to matters of legal joint custody.
This form of co-parenting can be very difficult to transition to, and each parent must accept they do not have control over the way the other parent approaches their child(ren)….but once established, this approach has many benefits, namely:
Set rules and boundaries to establish a new baseline for the child(ren)
Reduced stress and conflict
Reduced exposure of the child(ren) to the toxic dynamics of triangulation and other forms of emotional abuse and manipulation
Prioritizes the needs of the children (through enforcement of strong boundaries) over the parents needs
May support a more stable and consistent environment for your child(ren)
May help reduce litigiousness and high conflict court dynamics
Often involves implementation of therapeutic support for the child(ren)
Image: [Separate Spheres]. Retrieved from Wix Images.
Tips for successful parallel parenting with a narcissistic parent:
Establish clear boundaries, and no matter what, stick to them! This includes setting physical boundaries, financial boundaries, and emotional boundaries for parenting the child(ren). This will help you stay focused and model stable behavior for your children when things get chaotic, unpredictable, or stressful.
Communicate only about matters related to the children with set scope and frequency limits. Scope limits refers to avoiding discussion around anything personal or emotional with the narcissist and make note when they cannot keep the communications focused on the child(ren).
Prioritize Documentation when boundaries are not adhered to. Patterns of harassing communication, neglect of the child(ren), inconsistent school or extracurricular activity attendance, medical or therapeutic challenges, or even the use of the child to deliver messages, unwanted gifts, or to keep secrets is burdensome to the child and not in their best interests.
Get legal help if necessary. A lawyer can help you create a parenting plan that emphasizes strong boundaries and reduces the risk of loopholes and points of negotiation and contact – this protects your rights and the rights of your children and can lead to conditions which minimize stress on you and the child.
Focus on your children. Model good behavior for the child and validate their experiences. Seek a therapist for your child that has experience with high conflict divorce or relationship dynamics that can help to be an additional support. It is important to respect that their role is to advocate for your child. Remember that your children are the most important thing. Put their needs first in whatever strategies you implement to protect them from the narcissist's harmful behavior.
Seek support. Talk to a therapist, counselor, or support group for people who are coparenting with narcissists. They can offer you guidance and support as you navigate this difficult situation. Co-parenting with a narcissist or navigating the legal process around establishing a clear parenting approach often involves re-traumatization and making sure you don’t let the other parent trigger, or use the child(ren) to trigger you. Support helps!
Remember! You've Got This! You cannot change the narcissist. The only thing you can control is your own behavior. By setting boundaries and protecting yourself and your children, you can minimize the impact of the narcissist's behavior. The best co-parenting strategy for you will depend on the specific circumstances of your situation. It is important to choose a strategy that you feel comfortable with and that you believe will be best for your child.
Image: [Baby's 1st Steps]. Retrieved from Wix Images.
Check out daily "dichos" or tips around parallel parenting and a range of other topics @dani_dicho on your favorite social media platform.
Hashtags:
#narcissism, #narcissisticabuse, #narcissisticpersonalitydisorder, #mentalhealth, #toxicrelationships, #narcissistrecovery, #narcissistabuserecovery, #healingfromnarcissisticabuse, #survivingnarcissism, #thrivingafternarcissism #financialabuse #legalabuse #emotionalabuse #physicalabuse #childabuse #parallelparenting #coparenting #lowcontact #nocontact #recognizingnarcissisticabuse #singleparent #parentingwithanarcissist
Citations:
"Parallel Parenting: How to Coparent with a Narcissist" by Wendy Behary, PsyD.
"The Psychology of Coparenting with a Narcissist" by Shahida Arabi, LMFT.
"How to Deal with a Narcissistic Ex: 10 Tips for Coparenting" by Psych Central
"The Effects of Narcissistic Abuse on Children" by The National Domestic Violence Hotline
"Parallel Parenting: A Safe and Effective Way to Coparent with a Narcissist" by The Gottman Institute
Comments